| I need a change |
[01 Jul 2005|10:15pm] |
So, i'm sitting here contemplating where my life has changed over the summer. I started smoking again, and a few other things I'd rather not mention. It seems as if all of my motivation and aspirations have dropped off and i'm kind of in a haze. I need to distance myself from some things, temptations if you will. I will probably need help, but at the same time I'm not willing to publicly admit some of it. Maybe i have better morals than some, or I'm jsut being pretentious. Either way, I need a change. And a girl!
Dan
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[25 Apr 2005|03:28pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Fugazi and some Crass |
] |
I just deleted everytihng i wrote. i dont know what im trying to say.
You frustrate me. i used to be competely unable to get you off my mind, and now id be alright if i never dealt with you again. but i know that will turn to shit as soon as i see you again. its like a drug. out of sight, out of mind, but i'll take it as it comes on the future. for now, im on my own. live. think. deal. alone. too many thoughts. swirling. tumbling. falling.
Good night./
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| For Her: Conclusion |
[14 Mar 2005|11:25pm] |
Sorry I took so long to complete it, but alas, here it is. This story is dedicated to her.... I knew, i think i have since the 3rd time we spoke.
"As he got into the car, his mind was overwhelmed with encompassing thoughts. He could not express the emotions he felt into words, a mixture of anger and love and hate and happiness. He loathed the man that could do this, the man who could crush her spirit. Each more than the last, the cheaters and liars were taking each a piece of her soul to hold onto, and to forever remind her that she had been hurt. It frustrated him to rage that someone has reduced her to a shell of her formerly perfect self. The men, and the last in particular, had ruined her chance of ever finding something that should could deem "love". After being hurt so much, she could not bring herself to escape the cycle into which she had immersed herself. All he wanted was to end her pain, he wanted to bring her close and whisper, "It was me. It has always been me. I love you, and I can't continue to see you be abused...."
He pulled the car into the driveway, unsure of what he would say to the man who had so recently torn her happiness, like so many love letters unwritten. The fury in him was beginning to surface, and he could not begin to think about what would happen when he came face to face with this most recent man. He knocked at the door. He could hear him inside, shouting and cursing as he stumbled to the door. Drunk again. why couldnt she just see that he was the only one good enough, the only one who would never hurt her? His entire existence was consumed with her. Healthy or not, his love for her was what kept him going. Just the thought and the small wisp of hope that she might call him to realize, or even just to say hello was enough to carry him through the lonliest days. The drunk made his way to the door, and he could hear him kicking the bottles out of the hallway to open the door. When he saw pure hatred on the other side of the door, the drunk could not help but laugh. Taunting him, as if to say that he had succeeded in what he had wanted to do. He was saying that he had only hurt her to make him angry just to get to him. The inebriated logic made him believe that it was a good idea to laugh at the man on his doorstep, to shrug him off as if a joke. This infuriated the man. He had driven to settle this. Not to do anything but defend the broken hearted angel in his apartment. To get to the boyfriend's doorstep and have him laugh him away was enraging. The man looked at him with unbridled hatred. He made no attempt to conceal his motive as he began to swing. The first blow caugh the drunk off guard, and he went down in a suprised stumble. The man jumped on top of him and continued to beat him. He was taking out 3 years of anger on this man, releasing all of the pent up frustration of not being with her, of seeing her hurt, on him. The boyfriend tried to put up a fight, but his defense was met with a beer bottle picked from the floor.
As soon as he heard the smash he knew. With that bottle he had ended three years of suffering on her part, as well as his. the man lay dying beneath him, but all he could think about was the release he was feeling. Now that the man was dead, there should be nothing that would prevent her from being with him. He had removed the only obstacle that was standing between her and happiness. Never again would another man belittle her, never again would anyone get drunk and abuse her, steal from her, lie to her. Her pain was over as soon as the man exhaled for the final time. The man knew that now she would have to love him, he had just proven his love to her by ending what he thought was all of her pain. He stood over the man's lifeless body for what seemed like hours, breathing heavily with the sighs of relief that came with his knowledge that now she would be happy. Even as the police drug him outside and into the front yard, he knew that he had done the right thing. She would be grateful, and finally see how he had loved her for so long. He looked into the faces of the small crowd that had gathered as he was being hauled towards the car, and he froze when he saw her. Her tears were no longer of pain, but of the sick realization that he had done this for her. All at once, the man realized what he had just done. The truth came like a storm, and hit him with the sick knowledge that he had taken another man's life. The wind was taken out of him and he fell to his knees. He saw her as he dropped to the ground, and the look in his eyes said it all. She saw in him that he had always loved her, and she discovered that she had loved him too. The pleading in his eyes for something, anything, was enough to reduce her to tears once again. She knew that he had sacrificed his life as a free man to end her suffering, but this is not the way she had wanted it. She had looked at him as the safe guy, her anchor, but never the one that could fill the void she was so desperately trying to fill. She had never considered it, but looking back it all made sense. He had always loved her, and she had always known. But now, he was being taken away from her before she would get the chance to ever tell him that she loved him. She looked at him pleadingly as he was being dragged away. he knew that look. she was pleading, praying that he wouldnt leave. He saw that she had finally realized that he loved her, and she returned it. The look in her eyes, to him, was worth the 3 years he had waited to see it, and it invigorated him. He broke free of the police dragging him, and began to run towards her. She saw this, but also saw the cop behind him draw his gun. Her eyes turned from love to horror as soon as he felt the bullet enter his back. He had taken a life, and now knew what it felt like to lose his own. He fell to the ground, and she ran to him. The world was spinning and slowly turning grey. As he closed his eyes for the final time, he heard her sobbing. "I have always loved you... always" Before he could respond, he drew his last breath, and was gone. He had died knowing that she had loved him. His reason for being had finally been reached, but not fulfilled. There was now a realization that love had been there, but it was too late to act on it. He had died for her, but it was not by any means worth it. Had he not killed him, they could have been together....."
So there it is. The final part. But i must wonder, would she ever have known? or would he have kept on suffering? Ah, the questions...
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| For Her: Part 1 of a short story |
[24 Jan 2005|05:40pm] |
"Hello?"
"I need to talk to you, can I come over?"
"Yeah, sure. What's wrong?"
"It's him again... I don't know what to do."
He hung up the phone, and looked around the room. The phone calls like this were beginning to get more and more common. In the three years he had known her, he had seen this wonderful young woman go to boyfriend after boyfriend, be mistreated, and never be able to leave. For three years she would meet a man, and too quickly they would be together. It almost seemed as if she was searching for something, yet never quite sure what it was she was after. She had been with drug dealers and athletes, alcoholics and users. All of this by the time that she was 20 years old. He had watched these events unfold before his eyes, and nothing he could say would convince her that something was wrong. She would play it off as if nothing was wrong, always thinking that the new man would be better than the last. For the last two years, he had silently loved her, unable to get the words to come out of his mouth in a hope to end her pain. There was always this nagging feeling that he felt in his stomach that she just did not feel the same way about him that he did her. He could look into her eyes with the unrequited feeling of love. He loved her so much that it hurt to be with her. He knew that she had not even the slightest idea that he was in love with her, yet it was all he could think about. His desire for her encompassed his entire thought process. It drove him slowly mad that his unwarranted rejection would never end. To him, it always seemed that he was the "safe" guy, the one she would go to when she needed something, or when she wanted to talk, but it never gone any further than that. She had never considered him as more than a friend, and he was so reluctant to tell her anything, in case it drove her away. God, he could never live with himself if she left. She was his ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak life. His constantly dwindling meetings with her were the only thing that held his sanity. Or was he mad? Was her ignorance of his love making him crazy? Maybe she knew all along, and just didn't care...
"Where are you?"
He heard her walk into his apartment. For her to make the hour and a half drive to come see him, he knew she needed help. The girl of his dreams walked into his living room, and he saw what had made her so upset. Her eyes were red and puffy; the makeup running down her face was streaked with the memories of her latest boyfriend. Despite this, to him she was still as beautiful as the day he first laid eyes on her in college. She ran into his arms, and he held her. It felt so good to have her in his arms, even if the circumstances which brought her here were the one thing he despised the most. He held her for a moment, and just stood silently, basking in the hope that she found comfort in him. She pulled away, and looked at him. He knew that she was trying to find something to say to break the silence. "I found out he's been cheating on me. We had a fight, and I think it's over. I don't know what to do, we moved in together, and I've got nowhere to go. I love him so much, and this is what he does." This puzzled him. Here was his chance to take her in, and maybe make her realize that she had always loved him as much as he loves her now. He glanced at her, and then quickly looked away. "You can stay here if you want, I'll sleep on the couch. Don't worry about anything, I'll take care of you." He could tell she was hesitant, but this was the only place to go. She smiled at him, feigned a chuckle, and thanked him for being such a great friend. The words he had dreaded to hear. He wanted to finally confess to her that he had been hiding his whole life from her, that she was his reason for being, and that it tore him up inside to know that she was always with someone else. But this was not the time. He had plans that needed to be tended to before something else happened to her. He looked at her, and smiled as he walked out the door. It was time to pay someone a visit.
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| And all I feel are spinning plates... |
[06 Jan 2005|04:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Not Quite Sure |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Stage Bottles - Hope You Gonna Save Your Life |
] |
You ever get that feeling? I don't know if you know what i mean, but i can attempt to describe it. You ever been so goddamn confused about something that you can't even begin to rationalize it? like you have no idea what in the blue fuck to do? When do you jump the border from friends to more? do you even do it? its like i know that it wont work, and it is definitely not a good idea to act on it, but i feel like if i dont, im gonna explode. its like im sitting here just fucking swimming in my confusedness and any moving will drown me. it'd be good just to get it off my chest for a couple of hours, but then itd just be a quick fix. the fact is that im just a schmo. meet her, spend a bit of time together, then boom. thats it. im fucking hooked. all i can think about is her. you ever play second fiddle and you knew it? thats definitely the shittiest part about. get abused, know it, and still not care cause all you want to do is see them for another hour. thats all it breaks down to is hours. say hello, see a smile, talk and whatnot, then over. and im sitting there thinking. i know that i don't matter, but it'd be nice to get a chance to. so in any case, i think i wanted to just say something about it so maybe somebdy reads it and im no longer mopey for some random unexplained reason. it has been somewhat explained, so now its no longer random. im gonna quit before i get ahead of myself and seem like an idiot. Oh wait.
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| Post on demand; An essay of sorts |
[02 Dec 2004|12:09am] |
"gee grandpa, can i have a cookie?"
And so begins a story to my future family about a girl this old man once knew. she was of a different sort, a girl who was content with randomly discussing the shape of the world around her without a hint of planning to her thoughts. a girl who could just as easily pull off PJs and borrowed socks as a prom dress. she enjoyed aimlessly walking about, yet not aimlessly exploring. the purpose seemed to be hidden underneath the seemingly random turn of events which brought them from a radio station to a quiet spot by a river on a winter's night, and just the same back to a warm room with root beer waiting. the planning in the night was not existent in the sense that it was all worked out, but that it just seemed to fit. like a ball to a glove, the events fell into place without much effort. conversation was free, and incredibly entertaining to partake in. this girl seemed to be able to talk about anything that came into her mind, and it impressed the sometimes secluded boy. always able to speak his mind, the boy could not always bring his true feelings into play. not so when she was around. she could make him talk like a dam had broken in the river of his mind. things came out without thinking or caring, and he enjoyed being free to answer (and ask) questions that gained insight without information. yeah, that was it. the freedom is what made the night. there was no hesitations or worries about one would think of the other, he knew that they had only just met, and no presumptions had been made. everything to be learned was to be learned that night, solely from the discussion of the boy and girl. anything shared between them, he felt, would stay between them, and there was no pressure to impress, or try to convince her that he was something more than what he was. he could only hope that she enjoyed their evening as much as the cookie with no crusts that ended their encounter.
So thanks for a great night....
Dan
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| Wow. just fuckin' woW. |
[28 Nov 2004|04:02pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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The Radio show from last night |
] |
Well, last night was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. To steal keiths words, "there's just something about not going to the ball and ending up jamming".
So last night was the winter ball here at StFX, and since I didn't feel like getting dress clothes mailed to me, I didn't go. Much to my chagrin, lots of other people skipped it as well. Before this, Stu, Matt and I went to the pub to see Tim Chiasson play a benefit for grenada hurricane relief, which was well. Robynne and her friend Michelle came as well, before they went to the ball. They missed Tim playing, but they ended up seeing him later, which was even better. So after Piper's, we went back to Lane for awhile and up to the patio. Tim agreed to come one down to the show (CFXU 92.5fm saturdays at midnight - Saturday Late Night Drop In) and play some tunes. so upon the patio, i managed to scrounge up some people to come and also be on the radio show (it's more fun when theres 9 of us!).
Radio Show: Played a couple of tunes which was fun, then Michelle came in to be on as well (DJ Prom Date). So Keith gets this beautiful idea to call Clipboard and tell him that him and Justin (DJ Patio Boy) had been arrested. Prank call was somewhat funny (for us anyway), but within five minutes, we got a phone call. Constable Baker was on the phone, and he did not sound impressed. Apparently what we did was somewhat illegal, what with it being a public radio show and all. After being threatened with legal action, we Immediately called clipboard back (he was on his way to bail Keith and Justin out) and told him we were fucking with him. Ten Minutes later, the cops call back, and tell us "THATS HOW YOU MAKE A FUCKING PRANK CALL!"
Tim came to the Radio show, and we sang and played and had a grand ol time. after the show was over, we went back to Lane and had a party on the Patio. quiet hours rolled around about 2am, and the RA's came to shut us down. Alas, we were allowed to stop 'after you finish this song'. Anyone else ever heard a 20 minute rendition of Hotel California before?
Later on that night we went outside to jam so we could be loud. There was something fun about being outside with some old friends some good friends and some new friends and just singing our respective faces off that was quite fun. Random people coming home from being out all night enjoyed us playing as well.
Afterwards Michelle and i went exploring Antigonish. it was between 3-5 am so we saw like three people throughout the enitre time. we walked through puddles of ice and through the TP as well and ended up cutting through somebodys driveway to find a nice peaceful river. no sounds to be heard in the air other than the water flowing, and our voices keeping each other company. Talking about everything and nothing at the same time was good. releasing some could say.
I don't know,
I Guess You Had To Be There,
Dan
Smokin' Bunny
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[26 Nov 2004|07:37pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
] |
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music |
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Tons of random Metal rock punk and acoustic. |
] |
Updating again. i didnt want to delete what id written but i didnt write about what i wanted to write about.
so im sitting here and im thinking. life is good. people are fucked up but life is good. some people are adjusting well to university and the workload, while others are getting all fucked up by it.(insert "rest of my life" inner monologue here) the way i see it, i have 6 years of school preventing me from 85 grand a year, and it goes up from there. so why the fuck would i ever want to fuck up and flunk out??? by me slacking off now, im giong to be stuck doing construction for no money for the rest of my life. so i dont understand why people come to university and dont go to class, dont do their homework, and all that shit. thats not to say dont party, cause i definitely party up here like whoa, but i still get all my shit done. i am enjoying university, tons, but i know i still got work to do. why the FUCK do people come up and waste money?
theres guys in my class who are here, they never go to class (anyone from x reading this its NOT who youre thinking, thats another story which is totally not wht im talking about), they dont ever do any work, and they bitch about the teachers when they flunk something? grow the fuck up. its YOUR fault you suck. go home, save some money, and bag my groceries. you arent gonna give an effort here, dont waste my time or anyone elses.
holy shit, i just read that. I am my parents. weird that everything they tell you is somewhat relevant. then you become them, and spout it out on some random website.
Thinking of YOU (you damn well better figure out who you are!!!!!),
Dan
Smokin' Bunny
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| Holy fucking shit |
[26 Nov 2004|07:25pm] |
So holy fucking shit. i havent written in this in six months. i don't even know if I'm on everyones' friends lists anymore. whatever works though. i've been here at X for the last 3 months, and lately ive been thinking about livejournal. i wasnt even usre if id had an account or not anymore but apparently i do. which is good. i'd give yous all an update of my life, but it would end up being random stuff about me eating a sandwich and sleeping in late after nights of ridiculous drinking. well drinking stories may come at some point but i havent gotten that far. posts are random. i think ive reached a point where the more i get to know about things, the more things i think aobut and i realize i have no clue about what goes on in the world. doors keep opening up into things, and i learn more about people and i see deeper into things, start to understand a little more, then boom. all of a sudden i am hit with something that i dont understand. i dont mean school related ever. i mean people wise. people are odd. im odd. i think i understand what im trying to do, then i change my mind. its like im going in one direction then i back up take a loook at what im doing and go completely another way. its strange.
anyhoo enough on that rant. Stfx is such a wicked place. i highly recommend that everyone come here at some point, party and come visit me.
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| Hate |
[04 May 2004|05:53pm] |
Weather gets me down, but not self indulgent. anger becomes a viable means of expression, the only problem is perception. I can say whatever the hell i want, and it will offend certain few, or no one at all. my thoughts are still my thoughts, it is only how you perceive them. i can say i hate someone and they may never know. I can make my contempt obvious and they may never know. if i "like" someone it becomes this immature game of who said what and who is deemed acceptable. acceptance should not be accepted. I should be able to like or dislike whoever the fuck i want and not worry about it. Instead, i will receive animosity from somebody. free thought is not the norm. if i agree with someone on something, it becomes branded. if i disagree it is difficult to express thoughts and opinions without being condescended to. if something is not going to be accepted, why push the matter?
Ah fuck it, I dont know what the hell I'm saying... forgetit.
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| Holy Shit |
[12 Feb 2004|05:14pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
I might quite possibly have a record deal (it's in the works) with.... INTERSCOPE RECORDS.
dont know alot of details yet, but wish me luck.
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| I love you |
[13 Nov 2003|09:45pm] |
I just wanted to say that Ashley Bernard is great. period. shes aweseome and im sorry if ive ever pissed her off... id be lost if she wasnt my friend. :) she makes me happy. If ashley rocks your world, comment. If you dont comment, she'll still rock your world.
I lvoe you ashley
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| the course of dans mind in 57 minutes. |
[17 Aug 2003|11:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
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SLAYER- The Antichrist/ Angel of Death |
] |
wow. havent posted in so long. daigle comes home tomorrow and my sis too.
my parents got a new car.
pei was awesome. got broken into. motherfucker stole a case of beer a movie and sams weed.
met some people.
forgot about a few, which was good.
need to hang out with as couple of people i miss/wont see again.
finally got off my ass, made up my mind and am no longer lonely single dan.
need subway.
stopped worrying about the beer gut. you dont like it? fuck you.
got good and drunk.
can afford to pay my speeding ticket.
miss pei.
missed kents party.
gotta go get liquor at cockscomb.
gotta get more tanned.
gotta get more money.
need swimming.
love point form. makes thoughts easier.
love telling people what i reallly think.
laughing at people is fun.
winning on lottery tickets is good.
general good times.
jamming is fun.
i cant fucking quit smoking. oh well.
my parents know i drink.
metallica.
christine.
im sorry to anyone who needs it. except people that i hate. then im not sorry. so fuck off.
people who write stupid posts are gay.
i hate my old posts.
i wasted lots of time in my life doing dumb shit.
went to the old radar base yesterday. that was pretty freaky. the basement is INFESTED with rats. Christine lost it when one of them crawled by and the ceiling moved. haha
jammed a couple days ago. need to jam again with the marshall.
i get my amp tomorrow.. ive had it for a while, but it was getting fixed. so now its awesome. moreso.
need to hang with daigle.
anyone wanna buy a 1993 Ford Tempo GL? new MVI, loads of new parts, WELL-Maintained, Very little rust. great shape. cant afford insurance.
~now the world is gone, im just one~
need subway with daigle.
selling chris. dont want to but need college.
MUN should be fun. im gonna leave lots of people behind.
high school is over in 10 months. then im gone.
school should be weird.... but new.
meeting new people is good.
i tihnk way too far ahead in the future.
get over me. you'll all (most) lose touch with each other but its ok. the true friends and good memories wil stay.
most of my old psots are meaningless, but they hold waht i once felt.
feelings change, people change.
the old crushes flames and loves will fade away like dying candles. im pleased with that.
the present matters, the future matters, and so does the past. but the bad filters away over time. i dont remember the punishments from when i was six as much as i remember the toys and friends and playing outside, and going to the beach with my mom and justin and cathy. going to the store and getting fun little cheap toys that would last the drive home then break. i dont remember the crying as much as i remember my mom picking me up and hugging me, kissing it better, and making me smile. i remember my dad pretending his K-Car was a race gar, and pretending to switch gears in an automatic. i was an innocent, fresh faced and bright eyed like everyone else.
my mind runs circles. i no longer want to type random thoughts. im going to leave it at that.
you prolly never got this far anyway.
comments questions appreciated.
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| holy dhist shit imd rujnk |
[30 Jun 2003|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drunk as fuck |
] |
| [ |
music |
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;aojnsd/.,amf 'foiaef- e;kjfnr,g |
] |
imfalling off y chair
if i dont make sendse itscause i got back form alyhsasmparty
i loveyou but i hate youmi want t bve with you but it hurts me uso muhc
i thinki honsetsly loove you no matter what
i donknow wahts ogin non im my lfe but itm doesmnt matter
i bought an amp (100watt marshall)
ANAD a cryhbaby
im drunk so fuckm you
jenn puhleeeeze call me,,,,,,,,,,
you mean so muchnand you dont realiaze it
i odn tknow waht im trying to says bu ill figure it ou tomotrrow
ill tdupdate later
mymomfoun the bong that was wilimas and she thinks its mineee
waghtever
she knows i drink now sjhe caughtymme tonight brinign t ber to alyshas :) shes ok with it
i love mywmommy
i have to go now to xhol
schnol.
xscohjoooool
fduck
school.
l;therew e go.
nighbt i love you slepe tight odnt let the bedbugsbite.
fond don
my head i sspinnindg
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[28 Jun 2003|11:31pm] |
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mood |
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drunk |
] |
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music |
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my mom gave me wine?!?!?! |
] |
cause im a bumn and want some ego boosting:
1. Where did we meet?:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?:
5. What’s my favourite colour?:
6. When you first saw me what was your first impression?
7. My age?:
8. My birthday?:
9. Color eyes?:
10. Have you ever had a crush on me?
11. Have you ever been jealous of me?
12. Whats one of my favorite things to do indoors?:
13. Do you remember the first things I said to you when we first met?
14. What’s my favorite type of music?:
15. What’s one of my favorite things to do outdoors?:
16. Am I shy or outgoing?
17.Would you say I’m funny or sarcastic?:
18. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?:
19. Would you consider me a friend?:
20. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, snobby, or something else?:
21. Have you ever seen me cry?:
22. If there were one good nickname for me, what would it be?
23. Are my parents still together?:
24. Do I have a nice butt?:
25. Do you love me?:
AM I………. ?!?!?!?
26. Quiet or loud?
27. Short or Tall:
28.Weird or original:
29. Smart or stupid?
30. Boring or Fun?
DO YOU THINK I'M...
31.A psycho?
32.Athlethic?
33. A nerd?
34. Ghetto?
35. Obnoxious?
36. Immature?
37. Mature?
JUST A FEW MORE QUESTIONS
38. What do you think I’ll be when I grow up?
39. A) Do you think I’ll get married?
B) If you do…Who do you think I’ll marry?
40. When is my birthday?
41. Who is my best friend?
42. What song(if any)reminds you of me?
43. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?
44. If you could rename me, what would my name be?
45. Have you ever had a dream about me?
46. Name a feature that you like about me:
47. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
48. Am I physically ugly, average, decent, good-looking, beautiful, hot?
49. Would you ever kiss me?
50. Would you ever consider being my signifigant other?
51. Do you ever think about me off-line?
52. If we spent a day together…..where would we go and what would we do?
53. If you could describe me in one word, what would it be?
54. Have you ever had a crush on me?
55. What word do I say all the time?
56. Is there anything you’d like to say to me?
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| Booyah |
[28 Feb 2003|09:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hot |
] |
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music |
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iced earth- burning for you |
] |
Here's the thing. i dont like you. so unless youre on my friends list, this is the only thing you can read. you have to be signed into your LJ to read mine. msg me on msn or icq if youre not on my friends list and ill add you.
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most recent entries |
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